Alex has to be at school by 7:15 to catch the bus for the fieldtrip. He tells me this at 7:12. I have no contact numbers for the other mothers at this school, so I cannot call for help, confirmation, advice nor comfort. We go. I am dressed in Wonder Woman pajama pants and a Star Wars t-shirt, my hair wrapped around a large pink curler in a hopeful effort to tame the relentless cowlick that sculpts my bangs into angular chaos. Alex dubs my curler-do Queen Amidala hair. We run out the door, toothbrushing finished in perfect rhythm of our paces, granola bar and two apples tossed and zipped into the pack in between our long-legged lunging steps. We are practiced in the art of grooming, hygiene and self-care on the run. Alex is 14 now, sporting a Clark Gable mustache, rumpled Khakis and a Logo’ d polo short, mostly compliant with the Catholic school uniform policy. My red white and blue pants with Marvel’s latest version of Wonder Woman ‘s face is not compliant with the school’s uniform policy. I hope he remembered socks. We are not Catholic. We live one block from the small class-size private middle school, but there is construction along the way. I am blocked, tick tock it is 7:13. I assess the leap from where we are to the truck that has caused the jam up – it’s about a 15-foot gap, I am sure of this distance, simple physics. If I can make that jump, we can move around this barrier and Alex will not be that one kid left behind when the bus departs. I don’t even know about a fieldtrip, maybe today is when they go to the beach? I grab Alex, leap and my left arm catches the beam of the truck no, this is a beam on the building. It is a dream after all, plot gaps are embraced, move on. The beam loosens and begins to sag to the ground, slowly, gently like a benevolent heavenly arm. I hang on to Alex, it is not an effort, he is not a burden. I got this I think to myself. We will make it. It is only 7:14. Two officers arrive, arrest me. They are young, I judge them, they are about the age of my older son. They seem amused by this mom who calmly shares her tale… I explain to them … my son tells me he must be at school you see, in 3 minutes you see, there was construction you see… They let me go. I am the mother of boys, there is something ancient in that distinction, like a secret handshake but touch no longer even needed. Their eyes could not resist my Amidala curler. As I leave, and deliver my son to the school yard, 7:15, I am a batter safely across the base. The herd of children who have all arrived before us, on time, perfectly prepared by their better than I am parents turn to look at me. The girls move their heads together, cover their mouths, snicker. I straighten to my full 5’8”. I fill myself with a deep breath, ground myself – be this self that I am, I just traversed space and time. An invisible but palpable burst moves out from me in concentric circles and pressed into them. Something shifts, I see it, their shoulders straighten, they are now awed, and I hear them “Oh, so THAT’s how to dress if I want to be authentic”. I know curlers and rumpled pjs are in their future. Yeah, it’s the pants that convinced them, I think to myself, and snicker a bit. Okay, I know I made that part up even in this dream world but this REM avatar controls the script. I walk home, a new way I did not know was there before, this way is much more peaceful, it is along an ocean. This way is dark, muddy, but not mud like we have here in Appalachia, not the clay-red slippery mud but black gritty mud, volcanic grit, the kind of soil where your step distills water from earth, leaves a foot-print shaped puddle. I do not question all this going on, just walk. And for all the beauty this ocean front land between me and my son is empty, eerily empty except for me and 50 or so men, dressed like ancient sea-dogs, blue jackets, caps, beards whose eyes never stray from their task. They are solemn, they are moving like a line of knotted rope, heavy beams heaved on their able shoulders, they are hoisting boats from the water, dragging them inland, all the boats – some small, some huge out of the water and onto the shore. There are no boats in the water. Not one boat remains in the water. I recognize this place, I am in Marblehead, I know this rocky shore like I know the creek bed of where I live now. I grew up near creeks, not oceans. We caught crawdads, not lobster. I hear the somber men, distinctly New England accented say “Gonna be like a bomb, this one, gonna lay us all awaste”. I wonder if anyone could imagine Marblehead waters with no boats, nothing as far as the eyes can see. I cannot believe I can imagine this so vividly. I want to erase it, rumble the page of my dream script and toss it into the waste basket and then cover it with dirt, let the worms reclaim it. I have been to many harbors, I know some men can forecast storm warnings from the smell of salted air. My maw maw could smell rain coming and would take down the laundry from the line. We would sit inside her house by the fire and sip coffee turned sweet and creamy with a can of Carnation Evaporated Milk from her panty. We would sip and listen to the thunder, fold sheets, we were safe in her home. We used to know how to divine danger, I think to myself. Back in this dream world, I look down at the ground, I have ruined my shoes in this black muck. I inventory Alex’s backpack in my mind’s eye, comforted that he has a rain poncho in the outside pocket, folded, newly purchased, still in its plastic protective cover. I am awake now, still in the dream but awake. Awake in the dream. I can smell the storm on the edge of the ocean, it is so large the scent of it fills me like a too fast swig of warm carbonated pop, I know now what is to come. I think of the school – all the children there, brought in early, delivered into the hands of the teachers and the principle, the building itself and all the illusion of safe harbor that has come to represent. I remember walking my son into pre-school and kindergarten, holding his hand, acting calm for his sake but filled with worry, determined to sniff out any threat to this brown eyed wild child, could he be safe without me? I confess at times I sent him in with a spy camera – I did and I’m not ashamed to say it. It cost me $20 on Amazon, it looked like an iPod mini, blue and innocent looking. But now, how did it come to this? I am socialized to surrender him to them each day into a building of mostly strangers. I am complacently oblivious to all smells. I am suddenly aware that the school knows about this approaching storm, must know about the impending arm of annihilation reaching towards them, moments away and yet still acting as if it is a day like any day. Will the bus leave on time? Will that be how it all ends? What else would one do in the face of inevitable extinction? My only thought is I have to get home. My thought should be “I have to get my son.” My alarm is set to NPR. It is 5:45. Instead of music, I am awaked to Ira Glass’s voice. He is telling a story, his guest says… I am hugging the edge of the eddy. Fatality of man against breaking waters’ awesome terror…. I slowly slide the two long bobby pins from the curler hopefully successful in forcing my cowlick into compliance and shake the bangs into place. My husband delivers me a cup of coffee. Dr. Rondalyn Whitney is an associate professor/researcher at WVU SOM. Her scholarship
narrates the lived experience of healing, spanning scholarly journals, professional texts and creative works including the poem Amazing Grace (in The Healer’s Burden); essay Spontaneous Abortion (in Northern Appalachian Review), Are you The Wife (in Intima). holds an advanced certificate in Narrative Medicine from Columbia University.
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